Somewhere between 1 and 365....

I'm starting this blog quite late into the first set of 365. In a little over a month, I'll be celebrating the first year of my youngest daughter's life and concurrently mourning the first year of her identical twin sister's death. Helena Grace is also known in our little family as Baby Bean, Baby Prozac, and the "sweet" portion of what is recognized as the most bittersweet day our lives. At 7 weeks I had gone in for my first scan to determine whether or not I was having multiples again. I was told I was finally having a singleton pregnancy! Since my first pregnancy was with boy/girl twins and wasn't without its own problems and scares, I was so thankful that this one might be easier. At 11 weeks, we went in for a scan and learned that we were, in fact having twins, and that there was a serious problem with one of them. It's amazing what can run through your mind in an instant like that. At the time, my husband and I were in the middle of planning our house we wanted to build. As soon as the tech told us it was twins I muttered something to the effect of, " Oh crap, now we'll have to modify the floorplan." And no sooner were the words out of my mouth, did I hear the tech say "and I need to call the Doctor, something isn't right." The guilt I have from that moment will never subside. It was momentarily placed on the back burner however, while panic, confusion, sorrow, and pain moved in.

One twin was perfectly normal, healthy, thriving. One twin was anything but.


It's hard for me to write it all out. I can talk about it with more ease. Writing it makes it seem so much more final. I'll share the details of the pregnancy journey over time. It's much too complicated for one post, and much too emotional for me to write out at once. Besides, I have three small children. How the hell can I write all that down in one sitting? For now, I'll simply say this...I miss you already, I miss you always. 'night.