It's been a while since I've written. I think part of me actually felt like I was being self indulgent in my words. At the same time, isn't that what it's all for though? To indulge these feelings, to put them out there to the universe and hope they bring some good back?
Regardless, I'm back. Today I was thinking of spring's renewal; life eternal. I'm sad she's not here to enjoy the green coming to life. To witness bugs on the ground scrambling to their tunnels. To share in that with her sisters and brother.
I watch the three kids out in the sandbox and it affirms how lucky I am. Three beautiful, bright children who somehow manage to keep me grounded when I've wanted to float off. I'm missing her more these days when I see Helena doing something for the first time. Or when I catch her in the middle of a giggle fit like only a child knows how to have. I just try to hold on a little longer, keep her gaze a little longer, hope she holds my hand a little longer, listen to her squealing in joy a little longer. She's simply a phenomenal child, a gift in every sense of the word. They all are. With each sunrise, her childhood is passing. Soon they will all be teens, just trying to find a way to ditch their mom. Letting me know loud and clear, I'm not needed anymore. I hope that day never comes. I need them to need me, to want their mom, to want that embrace only their mom can provide.
So between now and then, I'll just linger a little longer with them. Admiring their innocence, their curiosity, their passion for the simple.
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Amy - you have such an eloquent way with words. I had my precious Eliza on Feb 26, exactly one year after you gave birth to Helena and Lucie. I thought of you as I laid there on that table and held Eliza for the first time, and at that moment, amidst my joy, my heart ached for you. I really admire your honesty and your openness with your life, your kids, and your healing heart.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that we got back in touch!
Laura, I really felt rather honored that you held out until that date. For each pain I feel, I feel a hundred moments of joy with Helena. I try to remind myself it didn't have to be this way. But by some miracle I had twins again and I have this beautiful bean to call my own.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy that new baby of yours. It's such a beautiful honor to become a mother.